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Ive had so0 so0 many crying spells. It's distressing. I've learnt a lesson - I will probably never recover. This will always settle on the question of when the relapse hits me back.
All I know is I want to cry and cry and cry
You lot continue to disappoint me but the sad truth is I have no escape.
I got no way out. I wanna give up on myself.
I went out after noon to get my stuffs. Called home to counter check the size of my hat. My elder sister told me she's going out. I felt kinda upset.
Under my apartment, I was thinking about my elder sister, since she's out. Then I saw her. Talked to her for a tad. I left. I wanted to hug her, but I didn't; kinda shy cos her boyfriend is there. Walked back home fighting back my tears.
Came home crying. Fuck, I don't even know why I'm in such a distress.
Just hugged my sister, I fucking cried.
Also, one thing very reaffirming I know is, I am SO wrong about myself.
Good god..😔
Spent half the day relating to my Muslim brothers and sisters in Syria, Palestine, and all other disputed areas.
Spent half the day fighting back my tears on and off.
Half the day of mental images of the dead and injured kids in my mind.
I had the mental image of the young Syrian girl in a light blue dress in my mind.
I was handed the fragment grenade, so was the others. I realised, we all currently had the equal power to commit suicide; to inflict damage; to kill another one, or a handful others.
There wasn't strict supervision once we handed the fragment grenades, at least in my eyes.
With the power to commit suicide, or commit homicide - with the fragment grenade in hand, in my pocket, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't afraid of my then capabilities, or the capabilities of others.
Butter. It was smooth as butter. I executed the procedure with confidence. I could run. I could speak. I didn't stammer.
"Safety ring twist, safety ring pull, safety pin out"
I squat down. My eyes opened. I remember with clarity the ground I looked down upon.
My eyes were opened, but all I could see was the Syrian girl in bloodied light blue dress
Spent half the day awaiting my turn for hand grenade live throw.
The sunset is flipping amazing here. Today at least.
Say hello to a new scar - on my flipping face
"If you can see my middle finger, it means you're not in line" - my Sargeant; at least not to me, cos I know how to get in line (unlike some 😒)
I wanna be handsome??¿¿
........I GOT A CUT ON MY FACE
Coming to four weeks into enlistment, my buddy still talks to me in Chinese LMAO
Good god, I am such a blur King sometimes.
Packing my big bag, I remember how we all struggled with unpacking and repacking our bag after an extremely short interval, and in a stressful timeframe. I knew, all I had to do was to keep my cool. Too bad, I was already bothered - bothered with the different atmosphere; bothered with how the world moves here. I had the thoughts caged in my heart, and my heart caged in my rib. I knew I could let the tears out but I didn't. It would've felt better, but I didn't allow myself to break down. I'm not too sure why. Perhaps the presence of other guys around stopped me. Perhaps I didn't want my sergeants to notice me break down. Perhaps I didn't want to let my ego, or rather superego down. It would've felt better.
\'sel-fish\ - this attribute strongly disrupts the cohesiveness of a team. Something I learnt and was taught through a Red Cross leadership camp, and now
I'll probably get abs from coughing so hard and so much :-)
I WANNA RIP MY THROAT OUT
Damn, wanted to go to Friday prayers but I think I'll probably not make it. Sucks :-(
SOME PEOPLE NEED TO TALK, NEED
To some, it is a religion to talk.
What doesn't destroy you leaves you broken instead.
Even more sick when I'm booked out :-)
My motto last time was 'again and again and again'. You don't get it.
If only I had a handsome face and good skin, rocking this bald head would be a problem.
Had the heart to call my grandparents from overseas but I didn't. Found out today that my grandfather had a fall :-(
Bought myself a globe. Always wanted to buy one big ass globe. Found one at the price of $200, but that's a bit too big to fit anywhere.
Daamn, I wanna bring my sisters out to eat but I should only eat porridge :-(
It's only 9PM and I'm sleepy
Moments in camp are fast, but I need to be fucking faster.
I get a little anxious before booking in 🙍🏼 sorry
I THINK I KNOW WHY I DON'T EXACTLY HAVE A CHILDHOOD - I WAS SO SO DISTURBED SINCE YOUNG.
Thank you all for making it to my passing out parade 💞
Gotta be the least-prepared book in 🙂
I still remember stepping into the bunk in the first few weeks, and think, God, this is such a dynamic group. Until now, I feel blessed to be with them.
